Iris

For Fuck Sake

foursunset — Fri, 22 May 2009 02:13:06 +0000

Okay so i am an internet junkie. I have facebook, twitter, a blog, it seems as though everyone needs to know your business and we all feel compelled to tell everyone what we are doing.Sometimes it is a good thing, sometimes like right now it is not a good thing.

Yes people that know me do not know about this blog. so therefore i am free to say what ever the fuck i want! Life sucks right now. i seem to only talk on this blogwhen i am completely stressed out. as i look back it is the only time i talk! iamnot always this down or anger or so on…but right now itsucks

works sucks. sure we have all been hit with budget cuts, i see it as at least i have a job. but i have people who work for me that SUCK. pushing, demanding and lazy. some on the other hand are god sends! i would not be able to function without them. thework keeps piling up. more and more to do. less and less money or support.

friends suck. i know we are all i nthe same boat. we all are having trouble. but we all seem to be sinking fast! truth be told, i am ready to tie anchors around my ankles and let go. you know i have been hanging on so tight lately i think it might be easier to let go!!!!!!!!!!

if there were only jobs out there. if there were and some that paid then you know what i would be out in a heart beat. i am looking but there is nothing and when i feel like an incompetent human it is notworkingout so well for me!

something has to give. or i am going to have to let go. because i am breaking. i yelled at my kids and really should nto have it was because i was stressed and totally can not keep it together. i am hangning off the cliff. i already jumped but it just seems like a branch keeps holding me back.

this sucks. it only can get better?? i dont have much hope right now.

rock bottom,plus 20 feet

foursunset — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 00:42:04 +0000

I know it has been forever i ahve written. believe it or not my other blog has tons of posts. this blog seems to sit in the back of my head thinking i will get to it, it is my voice. I struggle all the time and the struggle is getting harder and harder. I have pushed so many people out of my life because i am afraid of them hurting me. I let someone in, they hurt me. I feel so alone. I am so sad and lost. I want someone to reach into the hole i have dug for myselfand pull me out. I really thought i had hit rock bottom, but it looks like i have dug 20 more feet.

i think i need some help. i think i need someone to talk to. but i am afraid if i say some of this out loud i can no longer deny them. and if i were ever asked the question about sucide, yes i think about it every day. i think how i really cannot take much more. i think i need to stop crying. i am embarassed i cannot pull myself together enough to move on.

struggle

foursunset — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:36:20 +0000

so it has been a while but life is kinda sucky….now i know i have another “white picket fence” blog…where everything on the outside looks rosey but life is not. I am struggling with life. I have to tell you i am having a real hard time. Lets start with the fact that the only reason i get out of bed is because i do not want to let my kids down and need to get up for them… if they were not around i would hide under my covers and hope for the best.

i watched a movie of this guy going crazy, he lost his family in 911 he goes crazy. i just wish i could go crazy and get away with it. i feel so put up on a pedalstal . sometimes i feel like i am going crazy. i want to have a temper tanturm just like my children.

i am struggling. i want an unconditional ear to listen to me. i want to know this is all worth it. i do not feel it sometimes i must say.

dreams

foursunset — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 17:00:09 +0000

last night i dreamt you came to my house. i dreamt you climbed into bed with me. i was calm. alls i said is it better not be you. you climbed in anyway. i could feel myself get angry. i told you to get out. you did. i did not even open my eyes i just knew it was you. then you came back again, persistant, you climbed back in bed with me. i calmly told you to get out. you did. i was so angry inside but on the outside i was so calm. i hate you. i wish nothing good for you. karma will get you in the end.

foursunset — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 23:45:11 +0000

So we were together today. you were like status quo. well as we know status quo does not work. i just think there is some things that have not been said. so here goes:

what do you want out of our relationship?

if you say you depend on me to much, what does that mean? you want me to stop offering you over for dinner? stop helping you at work? what?

i am in love with the idea of you. you could never commit to a lifestyle like mine…you need so much more personal space and i never could ask you to change. you are set in your ways. i get it.

i think we became comfortable with each other, doing things for each otther…what is so wrong with that? why can we not do things for each other?

who do you talk to? have you talked to anyone about what is happening to us? i do nto think you have….i do not believe you care that much….

it hurt when you said you would walk away if it is what i thought was best that you cared enough about me to respect that about me…what the fuck! walk away after you said you would never leave? they always leave…why do you think i have so many walls up? why do you think this hurts so much? i want my walls back up…

i just do not know what to do…i wonder if i could get more sleep it would help?

Nightmares

foursunset — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 15:47:05 +0000

What the hell. You know why after 17 years I am now having nightmares again. what has triggered this? i want him out of my thoughts. the smell is revolting, i can smell it, i can taste it in my mouth again, why after all this time i cannot let go? i feel so ashamed. I feel dirty. dont touch me. dont talk to me. i might cry. but these nightmares have got to STOP. how do you make them go away? i do not understand why i can still hear those haunting words in my ears. i remember how i felt, i feel as if i am 18 again. christ. MAKE IT FUCKING STOP. Ambien does not work!!!!! I still dream……….

searching

foursunset — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 23:12:59 +0000

so it just seems everyone is searching for love. but with the way we all live behind a computer i do not think we know how or what it really is. i fear i will be alone. i fear i will not find my true one. i also fear i am to jaded to actually trust someone. what is a girl to do?

sick

foursunset — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 13:25:16 +0000

I think i am making myself sick. i feel awful andi think it is because of you. I do not want you to go. you do not want to go but why am i having such a hard time with all this. i almost feel if i cannot have all ofyou i do not want anything. aghhh. i am on the verge of tears all day long. if someone justs asks how i am doing i burst into tears. i hate this.

and i want to knowwhy i am now thinking and struggling so hard with what happened 17 years ago. what has triggered such memories. i do not want them. ithought i pushed them down forever. i thought they were gone. do i have to deal with this out loud? i do not want to, it will show i am weak. and i do not want people to see me as weak. and what would people think if i start talking about this now? i cannot.

Why?

foursunset — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 20:07:45 +0000

why do you think this is okay? don’t you think there needs to be a bit more work. i shoot you down with a I’m Fine. and silence. what the fuck. I wrote a whole post and some of those comments were directed to you. can you not see it? what is wrong with you? you email me. i keep it simple. i am worknig on so little sleep. I want to walk away. it would be nice if you just left. go. be gone. i am not sure i can work with you anymore. do i fire you? will you go on your own? no i will quit before that.

i wish you would ask me questions. i wish when i throw random statements at you, you would ask what are you talking about. ask me why i am nervous. ask me

i really do not want to go to the movies. i want to lay in bed. i want to sleep. take tons of ambien and sleep. can you take ambien every eight hours? just wake me when this is over.

i hate being this emotional. i am so much stronger. i hate for people to see this side of me. they will not.

i can tell i am throwing up all my walls again. it is so lonely when i do this. it sucks. i feel sick.

ugh

foursunset — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 19:08:09 +0000

okay i just want to bust into tears. i have this white picket fence that i need people to see, that everything is great. i do not want to be a downer. i want to hide. you emailed but it was work related. i think it would be nicer to know that it is over so i can move on. i do not want this lingering, maybe. i want to cry.