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May 22, 2009 at 2:13 am · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: blogs, crying, depressed, hate, life, lonely, ramble, rant, searching, struggle, sucks
Okay so i am an internet junkie. I have facebook, twitter, a blog, it seems as though everyone needs to know your business and we all feel compelled to tell everyone what we are doing.Sometimes it is a good thing, sometimes like right now it is not a good thing.
Yes people that know me do not know about this blog. so therefore i am free to say what ever the fuck i want! Life sucks right now. i seem to only talk on this blogwhen i am completely stressed out. as i look back it is the only time i talk! iamnot always this down or anger or so on…but right now itsucks
works sucks. sure we have all been hit with budget cuts, i see it as at least i have a job. but i have people who work for me that SUCK. pushing, demanding and lazy. some on the other hand are god sends! i would not be able to function without them. thework keeps piling up. more and more to do. less and less money or support.
friends suck. i know we are all i nthe same boat. we all are having trouble. but we all seem to be sinking fast! truth be told, i am ready to tie anchors around my ankles and let go. you know i have been hanging on so tight lately i think it might be easier to let go!!!!!!!!!!
if there were only jobs out there. if there were and some that paid then you know what i would be out in a heart beat. i am looking but there is nothing and when i feel like an incompetent human it is notworkingout so well for me!
something has to give. or i am going to have to let go. because i am breaking. i yelled at my kids and really should nto have it was because i was stressed and totally can not keep it together. i am hangning off the cliff. i already jumped but it just seems like a branch keeps holding me back.
this sucks. it only can get better?? i dont have much hope right now.
September 9, 2008 at 12:42 am · Filed under life, struggle, Uncategorized and tagged: depressed, life, lonely, sad
I know it has been forever i ahve written. believe it or not my other blog has tons of posts. this blog seems to sit in the back of my head thinking i will get to it, it is my voice. I struggle all the time and the struggle is getting harder and harder. I have pushed so many people out of my life because i am afraid of them hurting me. I let someone in, they hurt me. I feel so alone. I am so sad and lost. I want someone to reach into the hole i have dug for myselfand pull me out. I really thought i had hit rock bottom, but it looks like i have dug 20 more feet.
i think i need some help. i think i need someone to talk to. but i am afraid if i say some of this out loud i can no longer deny them. and if i were ever asked the question about sucide, yes i think about it every day. i think how i really cannot take much more. i think i need to stop crying. i am embarassed i cannot pull myself together enough to move on.
December 13, 2007 at 1:25 pm · Filed under blogs, hate, life, struggle, Uncategorized and tagged: hate, life, love, rant, struggle
I think i am making myself sick. i feel awful andi think it is because of you. I do not want you to go. you do not want to go but why am i having such a hard time with all this. i almost feel if i cannot have all ofyou i do not want anything. aghhh. i am on the verge of tears all day long. if someone justs asks how i am doing i burst into tears. i hate this.
and i want to knowwhy i am now thinking and struggling so hard with what happened 17 years ago. what has triggered such memories. i do not want them. ithought i pushed them down forever. i thought they were gone. do i have to deal with this out loud? i do not want to, it will show i am weak. and i do not want people to see me as weak. and what would people think if i start talking about this now? i cannot.
December 12, 2007 at 8:07 pm · Filed under life, struggle, Uncategorized and tagged: life, ramble, rant, struggle
why do you think this is okay? don’t you think there needs to be a bit more work. i shoot you down with a I’m Fine. and silence. what the fuck. I wrote a whole post and some of those comments were directed to you. can you not see it? what is wrong with you? you email me. i keep it simple. i am worknig on so little sleep. I want to walk away. it would be nice if you just left. go. be gone. i am not sure i can work with you anymore. do i fire you? will you go on your own? no i will quit before that.
i wish you would ask me questions. i wish when i throw random statements at you, you would ask what are you talking about. ask me why i am nervous. ask me
i really do not want to go to the movies. i want to lay in bed. i want to sleep. take tons of ambien and sleep. can you take ambien every eight hours? just wake me when this is over.
i hate being this emotional. i am so much stronger. i hate for people to see this side of me. they will not.
i can tell i am throwing up all my walls again. it is so lonely when i do this. it sucks. i feel sick.
December 12, 2007 at 7:08 pm · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: life, rant, struggle
okay i just want to bust into tears. i have this white picket fence that i need people to see, that everything is great. i do not want to be a downer. i want to hide. you emailed but it was work related. i think it would be nicer to know that it is over so i can move on. i do not want this lingering, maybe. i want to cry.
December 12, 2007 at 12:57 am · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: crying, hurt, life, pain, sad, struggle
today i am sad.
today has been tough. Why am i here? well i have another blog i write all the “fun” stuff in life. you know i have this white picket fence and that is what i want people to see. now i am struggling and need to let it out. so here are my ramblings….
today was tough. now i am a single parent of three. i have had a friend for two years. and we struggle lately to be friends.
today we walked. we cried. he felt relieved that he was not losing me as a friend. but i feel as though i have lost him.
he says he loves me as a friend. he appreciates everything i have given and done for him. he is a part of my family. my children love him. they respect him. they are comfortable around him. but he says that we never could anything more as he would be afraid if that would happen then he would lose me as a friend. i feel as though he has lost it.
it is a love hate relationship. i love him. i hate him. i think he is very stuck in his ways. i think he never could be in a permenat relationship as i think he is to selfish. but why do i want him so much? what is wrong with me? i just want to cut all ties and move on. and if that means i quit my job, so be it. when relationships of any kind are to tough, i walk away, deal with it. move on. i just do not think i can shake this one.
i am sick.
i am sad.
i am hurt.
i cry.
teamsucks!
December 12, 2007 at 12:43 am · Filed under blogs, life, new, Uncategorized and tagged: , life, new, struggle
First post here. Honestly i have another blog, but i am finding i want to write about other things my friends do not need to read. I want to hack them out before.
