Iris
Just another WordPress.com weblogArchive for struggle
rock bottom,plus 20 feet
I know it has been forever i ahve written. believe it or not my other blog has tons of posts. this blog seems to sit in the back of my head thinking i will get to it, it is my voice. I struggle all the time and the struggle is getting harder and harder. I have pushed so many people out of my life because i am afraid of them hurting me. I let someone in, they hurt me. I feel so alone. I am so sad and lost. I want someone to reach into the hole i have dug for myselfand pull me out. I really thought i had hit rock bottom, but it looks like i have dug 20 more feet.
i think i need some help. i think i need someone to talk to. but i am afraid if i say some of this out loud i can no longer deny them. and if i were ever asked the question about sucide, yes i think about it every day. i think how i really cannot take much more. i think i need to stop crying. i am embarassed i cannot pull myself together enough to move on.
struggle
so it has been a while but life is kinda sucky….now i know i have another “white picket fence” blog…where everything on the outside looks rosey but life is not. I am struggling with life. I have to tell you i am having a real hard time. Lets start with the fact that the only reason i get out of bed is because i do not want to let my kids down and need to get up for them… if they were not around i would hide under my covers and hope for the best.
i watched a movie of this guy going crazy, he lost his family in 911 he goes crazy. i just wish i could go crazy and get away with it. i feel so put up on a pedalstal . sometimes i feel like i am going crazy. i want to have a temper tanturm just like my children.
i am struggling. i want an unconditional ear to listen to me. i want to know this is all worth it. i do not feel it sometimes i must say.
So we were together today. you were like status quo. well as we know status quo does not work. i just think there is some things that have not been said. so here goes:
what do you want out of our relationship?
if you say you depend on me to much, what does that mean? you want me to stop offering you over for dinner? stop helping you at work? what?
i am in love with the idea of you. you could never commit to a lifestyle like mine…you need so much more personal space and i never could ask you to change. you are set in your ways. i get it.
i think we became comfortable with each other, doing things for each otther…what is so wrong with that? why can we not do things for each other?
who do you talk to? have you talked to anyone about what is happening to us? i do nto think you have….i do not believe you care that much….
it hurt when you said you would walk away if it is what i thought was best that you cared enough about me to respect that about me…what the fuck! walk away after you said you would never leave? they always leave…why do you think i have so many walls up? why do you think this hurts so much? i want my walls back up…
i just do not know what to do…i wonder if i could get more sleep it would help?
Nightmares
What the hell. You know why after 17 years I am now having nightmares again. what has triggered this? i want him out of my thoughts. the smell is revolting, i can smell it, i can taste it in my mouth again, why after all this time i cannot let go? i feel so ashamed. I feel dirty. dont touch me. dont talk to me. i might cry. but these nightmares have got to STOP. how do you make them go away? i do not understand why i can still hear those haunting words in my ears. i remember how i felt, i feel as if i am 18 again. christ. MAKE IT FUCKING STOP. Ambien does not work!!!!! I still dream……….
sick
I think i am making myself sick. i feel awful andi think it is because of you. I do not want you to go. you do not want to go but why am i having such a hard time with all this. i almost feel if i cannot have all ofyou i do not want anything. aghhh. i am on the verge of tears all day long. if someone justs asks how i am doing i burst into tears. i hate this.
and i want to knowwhy i am now thinking and struggling so hard with what happened 17 years ago. what has triggered such memories. i do not want them. ithought i pushed them down forever. i thought they were gone. do i have to deal with this out loud? i do not want to, it will show i am weak. and i do not want people to see me as weak. and what would people think if i start talking about this now? i cannot.
Why?
why do you think this is okay? don’t you think there needs to be a bit more work. i shoot you down with a I’m Fine. and silence. what the fuck. I wrote a whole post and some of those comments were directed to you. can you not see it? what is wrong with you? you email me. i keep it simple. i am worknig on so little sleep. I want to walk away. it would be nice if you just left. go. be gone. i am not sure i can work with you anymore. do i fire you? will you go on your own? no i will quit before that.
i wish you would ask me questions. i wish when i throw random statements at you, you would ask what are you talking about. ask me why i am nervous. ask me
i really do not want to go to the movies. i want to lay in bed. i want to sleep. take tons of ambien and sleep. can you take ambien every eight hours? just wake me when this is over.
i hate being this emotional. i am so much stronger. i hate for people to see this side of me. they will not.
i can tell i am throwing up all my walls again. it is so lonely when i do this. it sucks. i feel sick.
i am screaming on the inside
i am screaming and no one is listening…..okay i have written about what happened to me 17 years ago. i want to tell someone. i want the memories, the thougts, the fears, the nightmares to stop. I cannot even say the word…. r..a..p..e.. it scares me. if i say it outloud it might become more real. I want someone to understand me. i want someone to hold me. someone to care for me. but i am so bitter and fear so much. i have been let down one to many times….
i hate the smell of stale beer.
today
So i know it is not quite noon. I am sure you are not up. I have been thinking. I know you say you love me but you know what….i think it is nomore than as a friend. nothing more. i do not think you can handle my world. you have just been stealing pieces from me. using me for the past two years. i know why you do not have friends, i know why they all go away. you make them go away. once you get what you need, you suck them dry and then you have nothing to give back. it SUCKS. you know the longer you do not contact me to more time i have to think about this. i think walking away is oing to be best. i just wish you quit before i have to. I do not want to leave my job i like it. i have worked hard to get here. i am one of the only females that have done this. people like me and respect me! i know i got you a job here, i know i promoted you, do you know how i went to bat for you? do you know what i have scarificed for you? put my neck out on the line foryou and you do not appreciate it. i know why you do not keep friends, you suck them dry until you have taken everything they have and then you have nothing to give in return it is okay i can let you go. but will you let me go?
i hate how you have known me for almost 4years and say you do not know how to help me. how to be my friend. what the FUCK! all i ask is you be kind. understanding. i gave unconditionally. you do not.
this sucks. you suck. i will NOT call i will NOT email you. you are going to have to do some work. you will have to put some effort into this. I cannot right now. as i do nto believe this is worth saving. good luck
