Iris
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So we were together today. you were like status quo. well as we know status quo does not work. i just think there is some things that have not been said. so here goes:
what do you want out of our relationship?
if you say you depend on me to much, what does that mean? you want me to stop offering you over for dinner? stop helping you at work? what?
i am in love with the idea of you. you could never commit to a lifestyle like mine…you need so much more personal space and i never could ask you to change. you are set in your ways. i get it.
i think we became comfortable with each other, doing things for each otther…what is so wrong with that? why can we not do things for each other?
who do you talk to? have you talked to anyone about what is happening to us? i do nto think you have….i do not believe you care that much….
it hurt when you said you would walk away if it is what i thought was best that you cared enough about me to respect that about me…what the fuck! walk away after you said you would never leave? they always leave…why do you think i have so many walls up? why do you think this hurts so much? i want my walls back up…
i just do not know what to do…i wonder if i could get more sleep it would help?
Nightmares
What the hell. You know why after 17 years I am now having nightmares again. what has triggered this? i want him out of my thoughts. the smell is revolting, i can smell it, i can taste it in my mouth again, why after all this time i cannot let go? i feel so ashamed. I feel dirty. dont touch me. dont talk to me. i might cry. but these nightmares have got to STOP. how do you make them go away? i do not understand why i can still hear those haunting words in my ears. i remember how i felt, i feel as if i am 18 again. christ. MAKE IT FUCKING STOP. Ambien does not work!!!!! I still dream……….
searching
so it just seems everyone is searching for love. but with the way we all live behind a computer i do not think we know how or what it really is. i fear i will be alone. i fear i will not find my true one. i also fear i am to jaded to actually trust someone. what is a girl to do?
sick
I think i am making myself sick. i feel awful andi think it is because of you. I do not want you to go. you do not want to go but why am i having such a hard time with all this. i almost feel if i cannot have all ofyou i do not want anything. aghhh. i am on the verge of tears all day long. if someone justs asks how i am doing i burst into tears. i hate this.
and i want to knowwhy i am now thinking and struggling so hard with what happened 17 years ago. what has triggered such memories. i do not want them. ithought i pushed them down forever. i thought they were gone. do i have to deal with this out loud? i do not want to, it will show i am weak. and i do not want people to see me as weak. and what would people think if i start talking about this now? i cannot.
i am screaming on the inside
i am screaming and no one is listening…..okay i have written about what happened to me 17 years ago. i want to tell someone. i want the memories, the thougts, the fears, the nightmares to stop. I cannot even say the word…. r..a..p..e.. it scares me. if i say it outloud it might become more real. I want someone to understand me. i want someone to hold me. someone to care for me. but i am so bitter and fear so much. i have been let down one to many times….
i hate the smell of stale beer.
today
So i know it is not quite noon. I am sure you are not up. I have been thinking. I know you say you love me but you know what….i think it is nomore than as a friend. nothing more. i do not think you can handle my world. you have just been stealing pieces from me. using me for the past two years. i know why you do not have friends, i know why they all go away. you make them go away. once you get what you need, you suck them dry and then you have nothing to give back. it SUCKS. you know the longer you do not contact me to more time i have to think about this. i think walking away is oing to be best. i just wish you quit before i have to. I do not want to leave my job i like it. i have worked hard to get here. i am one of the only females that have done this. people like me and respect me! i know i got you a job here, i know i promoted you, do you know how i went to bat for you? do you know what i have scarificed for you? put my neck out on the line foryou and you do not appreciate it. i know why you do not keep friends, you suck them dry until you have taken everything they have and then you have nothing to give in return it is okay i can let you go. but will you let me go?
i hate how you have known me for almost 4years and say you do not know how to help me. how to be my friend. what the FUCK! all i ask is you be kind. understanding. i gave unconditionally. you do not.
this sucks. you suck. i will NOT call i will NOT email you. you are going to have to do some work. you will have to put some effort into this. I cannot right now. as i do nto believe this is worth saving. good luck
Hello world!
First post here. Honestly i have another blog, but i am finding i want to write about other things my friends do not need to read. I want to hack them out before.
