I think i am making myself sick.  i feel awful andi think it is because of you.  I do not want you to go.  you do not want to go but why am i having such a hard time with all this.  i almost feel if i cannot have all ofyou i do not want anything.  aghhh.  i am on the verge of tears all day long. if someone justs asks how i am doing i burst into tears. i hate this.

and i want to knowwhy i am now thinking and struggling so hard with what happened 17 years ago.  what has triggered such memories.  i do not want them. ithought i pushed them down forever.  i thought they were gone.  do i have to deal with this out loud? i do not want to, it will show i am weak. and i do not want people to see me as weak.  and what would people think if i start talking about this now? i cannot.